Forty Three
I met someone a few weeks ago. Few weeks, mind you. Yesterday we stayed up talking on the phone until 3am. It reminded me of our times on the phone. One key-difference was, it was light and fun. The second major difference would be the fact he e-mailed me saying he missed me, and was absolutely charming. He’s better looking than you. He’s more focused and successful than you. I have no way of knowing if he’s serious at all, but you know what? I don’t care. I’m just so glad to not have to be chasing someone’s attention. It’s a wonderful change of pace.
Forty Two
It doesn’t hurt anymore. We haven’t seen each other in a very long time, so I don’t know if it’s going to hold up when I see you. But for now? I’m doing really great.
I haven’t thought about you.
I haven’t thought about the past.
I’m letting go of you. And it feels great, actually.
Forty
Ugh. Drunk texting last night. I wrote you an e-mail trying to explain why I was upset.
Drunk yesterday; what I MEANT was:
Oh spare me. [your last name - you hate when I call you by it], you didn’t even say goodbye to me the day I left [my former employer]. It was likely the last time we’d see each other and you didn’t even wish me good luck. Odds are you didn’t even notice I’m no longer working there (which, by the way, I’m not).If it’s like that, then what difference does it make if I’m faring well or not? And more, if something big had happened, do you honestly think I’d tell you over a text message? To the question how are you the automatic response is fine, thanks. You just want to hear it to ease your conciense and then ask again in three months time.
I hate that. If you wanna know something – something real – just ask. Otherwise, don’t. As far as I know, you could’ve sent that message to everybody you’ve ever know. Please, don’t treat me like I’m everybody. I am not everybody. I’ve never treated you (or anyone else) like that, so I expect this much in return.
In short: if you’d told me to fuck off I would’ve been less offended.
You haven’t answered anything, I doubt you will (you hate when I tell you how you disappoint me – which you do, again and again). I wish you’d tell me what goes through your mind when you decide to approach me in such sloppy ways. You shouldn’t do that…if only because you’re always unable to give me a good reason to keep you in my life.
If you’d just tell me how you really feel about me, it’d save me the trouble of always guessing the worst.
Thirty Nine
You’ve sent me a text message saying “cloudy day? just wondering if everything’s alright”. I’m not answering. I can’t get through my mind what exactly motivates you to want to keep track. I know it’s not just me, you have this thing where you feel the need of reassurance. You have to hear something like ”sure thing, buddy! Everything’s dandy” at least once a month. What difference does it make? Whatever my answer might be, it changes nothing. You’re still her boyfriend and not mine, as far as I’m concerned.
I let you keep me around as a safety net, and I need to stop it. You need to forget I ever existed, as much as I need to forget you.
And no. I don’t wanna be friends.
Thirty Eight
Tonight has been a tough night. The wrong song, a strong drink and suddenly I find myself craving your voice. I miss talking to you, I miss everything. My life has come to a halt. I keep waiting for things that will never come, and I know you’re a small piece of my frustrations, but still, you’re a symbol for all the things I never got. I feel that if you wanted me, everything else would fall into place. My pride hurts, needless to say. A wrong song and a drink…is all it takes.
Thirty Seven
Lately, you only come to mind when it’s 3am and it’s raining. I’m avoiding our mutual acquaintances, I’m burying the life I used to have. You know, the one you were a part of.
It hasn’t rained in a while.
Thirty Six
From the series “E-mails I wrote at 3am on an insomniac whim and will probably live in my drafts folder forever”:
You made me want to be someone better. You made me feel stupid more often than not, and misinterpreted and vulnerable and incapable (which I absolutely loathe), but even so, those things made me a better person.I’m a better person after having met you.The thing is…you’re the arrival gate. The hug after a year without seeing each other. Cold lemonade on the hottest day of the year. The last candy in the drawer. The prettiest girl at the party.Everything changed, is true. If at first I had your mistrust, and if at some point I had your curiosity, I guess today all I really have is your indifference (or perhaps a little guilt). Maybe things will shift again, or not, but I’ll keep caring about you.I wanted you to know: care is not unconditional, but it’s fairly reliable. It was there whenever I e-mailed you. Or when I texted you. Or when I reached out to you. And it’s there today, whenever I fear for your dull future.Me caring about you does not depend on your choices. I still care for you, even if I wasn’t your choice. I still care because I refuse not get attached. Because we live in a world where bad things happen without a reason, without a greater purpose, and it’s up to us to mend it the best we can. I just don’t see a point in hesitating, not even for a second, in a world like this.I’ll keep on caring about you. Be it here, or in Texas. Be it in France or Egypt – my god, anywhere, really.I care even when I’m still hurting. I do. Because you’re great. You’re the most special, the sweetest, the smartest, the most responsable, the most dedicated. And I write instead of saying because at this point I want a document. Something you can keep and prove that someone loved you without you even having to do anything.
Thirty Five
With each passing day you:
- become a shoe that no longer fits.
- are more like bland food than an exciting desert.
- drift a little further.
- join my past.
- interfere less in my happiness.
- fade away.
Thirty Four
It’s been nearly a month since the last time we talked. The day before yesterday you texted me something lame about “missing the only person that really understands”. I wasn’t going to answer anything, especially because it didn’t seem genuine at all, it just sounded like you were trying to make amendments for something that ended badly. I answered the next day, saying “Really? I thought you didn’t talk about things like this. At least not about missing me. Are you going soft? Or just really bored?” Your answer was something along the lines of having feelings too. We still exchanged a few messages but it was all very uninteresting. It was surprising to see that none of this made me particularly sensitive. You kept asking personal things, but I dodged it all, not giving any conclusive answers (I didn’t say if I was seeing someone, if I was moving or if I already found another job, simply because it doesn’t concern you anymore). It was a pretty empty conversation, and if it doesn’t happen again, it’s fine by me.
It’s not exactly closure, but I’ll take it.
Things are looking up.
